Author: firstflight

Has your relationship soured since having kids? Here’s why.

Throw the responsibility of tiny humans into the mix and your relationship with your partner can quickly turn from friend to foe. Whether it is the crying in the night which becomes the Mexican stand off, the inconvenient scheduling of social and sporting activities without notification or negotiation or whether its just because your ‘emotional restraint’ quota has been exhausted on your toddler, that you get tipped over the edge when a set of shoes is discarded at the front door rather than neatly stowed in the designated shoe spot…. Relationships and small children are no easy feat.

 

No better reminder of this, is when you are actually able to steal a few hours, even an evening together that you recognise the person that you actually love so much or at a minimum, those feelings of resentment and frustration abate momentarily; and it is then that you remember that you jointly chose this path to parenthood with excitement and anticipation about what it would all entail.

 

There is no doubt that the responsibility for children zaps time, energy and patience from a relationship. It is also a time when many women expect their partners to become mind readers and magicians. There is the assumption that they should ‘realise and understand’ what your physical and emotional needs are. The problem is, they often don’t. So, the assumption that they should is a dangerous one.

 

Equally, when small children arrive a metaphorical line in the sand is draw and you sit on one side and your partner on the other. Who is going to attend to the multitude of ongoing needs? Me or you? Who did it last time? Me or you? Who was up during the night? Me or you? Who had the more demanding week? Me or you? We lose connection to the idea that as parents and partners you are a team. As the age old saying says, there is not ‘I’ in team.

 

However in the haze of family life when your day’s, weeks and months are spent tending to the needs of your babes, then ‘I’ is generally the only perspective you can take. When both partners are doing this, things become tricky. It is at the time that frustrations rise, hurtful words or no words are uttered, resentment bubbles away and you step further and further away from the centerpoint that you used to share.

 

This is a point that I would argue the vast majority of parents get to at some stage. At this time you have a choice. Dig your heels in, make your point or remind yourself that you are part of a team. If both of you were individually asked what you wanted for the relationship, you might likely respond in a similar fashion with statements of being in a loving supportive intimate relationship. So if your ideal relationship goals are converging, why when the going gets tough do we push in the opposite direction?

 

The answers to this are varied. It can be an evolutionary fight or flight response. It can be the fact that small children can be damn frustrating and your partner is the only other person that you can direct this at or it can be that there are real differences in perspectives and parenting that you have not had to address previously.

 

The remedy here is self-awareness, communication and commitment and this can start with you. In fact the best place for it to start with is you even if you do not perceive yourself to be the issue. By understanding how to respond rather than react you can model the behaviour you wish to see. You can learn how to approach the topics of tension without conflict in mind. You can purposefully and intentionally shift the dialogue to a conversation about we and us not you and me.

 

To get help with tension and strain in your relationship, connect with us to arrange an appointment.

5 things to help you ace your return to work negotiation

Returning to work after having a baby can be like going back to your primary school. You intimately know the environment- the sounds and sights and smells. You have memories there, good and bad. If you are lucky there are familiar faces yet now there is a lot of water under the bridge because your world has seismically changed. In many ways, its familiar but also so foreign and irrelevant to your life at present.

 

How you feel about a return to work is very much linked to whether the return to work is a desire or a need, how you have adapted to the change in routine, relevance and demands of looking after a little human, the level of engagement in work prior to bub and also how you see work as feasibly being able to be balance within your new world of motherhood.

 

We are fortunate in Australia to have legislation, which supports a flexible return, to work. Where it’s easy to come unstuck is navigating these negotiations. Here are 5 things you can do to improve the negotiation outcome.

 

1.  Know the legislation. You are entitled to request flexibility and your organisation needs to demonstrate that they have attempted to consider and accommodate this request. Not only are you entitled to flexibility but you are also entitled to request an extension to your maternity leave for a total period of 24 months. If you have another baby in this time, you are entitled to a further 24 months of maternity leave, by law!

 

2. Be clear on your boundaries. Boundaries are one of the, if not the biggest issue that women face when balancing work and family. It is helpful to have an open mind about what you are willing to take on and what work arrangement you would consider but it is also important to know what is non negotiable in terms of logistics of your family. Many women make the mistake of thinking they can do it all and as a result, fail to establish appropriate and protective boundaries in these initial conversations. This is not a good outcome for you or the employer in the long term.

 

3. Understand your worth as a part timer. The efficiency factor of part time workers is a true asset to organisations. In essence you become cheaper often doing a 4-day job in 3. Frustrating as that may be in terms of your bank account, it does facilitate an opportunity for you to both work and spend time with your child(ren). As much as you are asking something of your employer, you are also offering something to them.

 

4. Test whether you can phase back in. Inevitably the adjustment back into the workplace can bring significant disruption to life at home. Adjustment can be painful yet this pain is not necessarily indicative of the future state. It can involve feelings of grief, anxiety, sadness and stress. Being prepared for this but staging an increase in days or building in working remotely and enlisting additional sets of hands to support this adjustment can help this period to be less challenging.

 

5. Remember a challenge is not always negative. Often we have a linear evaluation of feelings and experiences that are difficult as being negative. How do you judge (either good or bad? ) the following feelings – stress, sadness, anger, frustration? Most people say bad. It is these emotions, which are often challenging as we navigate change, transition or new experience. It is often change, transition and new experiences which are ultimately very positive in outcome. So, remember, just because it is hard does not mean it is not worthwhile.

 

Managing flexible work arrangements can be challenging for employers but it also provides a cheaper and often more efficient resource. When organisations flex, the loyalty and engagement of employees is most often secured. So think of these negotiations as an opportunity for a ‘win win’ rather than a hat in hand plea. Part time and flexible work arrangements are on the rise, supported both by legislation and technology.

 

A mother returning to work is not an exception, you are one of a very large contingent and a key part of a productive society.

 

To get help with a workplace issue or navigating your career, connect with us to arrange an appointment.

Hating your job? Four ways to start doing something about it.

As a society, we lack a proactive dialogue around the reality of how women’s careers are impacted by having children.  Few women prioritise a focus on this when deciding what tertiary course to choose or how to channel their professional development.

 

This is a strange phenomena given many women see motherhood in their future. Equally, there are conversations to be had and action to be taken by men wanting to be fathers given childcare is not a mother only role.

 

So you find yourself with a bub in arms and a profession, an employer, a commute and an industry which no longer seems fit for purpose. You are not alone.

 

Motherhood is a time when many women reorient to their career. Questions arise around “is this what I want to be doing if I am away from my child”, “can I feasibly do this job with a kid who needs to be dropped off/collected/may get sick” etc. In essence, this is offen driven by practicalities but the arrival of a child can often change perspective on meaning and purpose.

 

As a result, it is common for women to change roles, employers and often professions and careers whilst seeking practical logistics, flexibility, meaning and purpose. If you are finding yourself loathing the idea of returning to your job or in a role that is no longer right for you, here are four ways to help you reassess, evaluate and make decisions about your career:

 

  1. Have you explored your thoughts and feelings with your employer?

 

This may seem obvious but its common to assume that changes cannot be made or that you would receive an ultimatum to leave if you broached concerns with your employer. What is often the case is that adjustments can be made whether its logistics, or projects or skill development opportunities. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

 

2. Ask yourself, “what is riskier making change or not making change?”

 

Think of risk in terms of your wellbeing, your family wellbeing, long term viability of your work commitments, financial outcomes in the long term.

 

3. Speak to your partner about your concerns and explore whether changes in their routine, commitments and career would help to abate the challenge you are facing. It may be that they have more flexibility to make a change or are indeed facing similar concerns but have greater or more instantly available optionality to make a change that alleviates pressure on you. You are a team.

 

4. Seek out professional support in a psychologist or career coach who can help you to identify optionality within your career. This may involve developing a career plan so that you can navigate short and long term priorities and actions, reskilling, gaining insight into strengths and viable interests so you can plan towards a new career.

 

If you need help navigating frustrations, concerns, stressors of your work situation, reach out. We can help you.